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Monster Outside the Window

Cows on the loose in northwest Oklahoma.

Monsters in fact do roam the earth and seek to terrorize young men. I can not speak for young women, but for young men, once having been one, I can. Monsters are alleged to hide under beds in one version of the legend, and this may be the truth. But personal experience, not to mention a trailer for a Big Foot movie I once saw on TV, confirms that monsters like to lurk outside windows and crash through them at the climactic moment. Of course, monsters, like presidential condidates, come in at least two varieties, and so we can assume there is room enough in the wide world for under-the-bedders as well as out-the-windowers.

In the Big Foot movie trailer, a young woman is seen sitting on the sofa in front of a window. Suddenly, Big Foot crashes his hairy arm through the window and grabs her by the throat. I couldn't swear to the throat-grabbing part, but that is how I remember it some thirty-five years later. Scary stuff, though. Guaranteed to make a young lad sit up and keep one eye on the window.

"Oh, that's just fine," you say. "Keeping one eye on the window while sitting on the sofa with the lights turned on is easy enough."

Go on, I'm listening.

"But what about in the dark? While you're asleep?"

Good point. I thought you were leading up to that. My own personal experience runs along those lines in fact. I will now relate it, so turn on the lights and keep one eye on the window.

When a traditional family of five inhabits a three-bedroom house, two of the three boys are going to get stuck in one room. Usually this is understood to be a bad arrangement for these two. The private room is desired. And at the moment our story begins, I was the lucky one with the private room. Todd and I were on a rotation system, and my number had come up, and thus I was living in style in the southeast bedroom, while Todd and Lance were cooped up in the southwest. Again, a desirable arrangement until monsters start shuffling around outside the window.

I was awakened from my slumber by the sinister noise of a seven foot, three, extremely hairy monster breathing heavily and making diabolical scraping noises on the window next to the head of my bed. Perhaps it was me breathing heavily, but probably not, because I tend not to be able to breathe at all when I hear monsters outside the window. I lay frozen in terror, listening to the sound of my own imminent death approach. Clearly my time had come, but alas! I was alone with no one to turn to.

As the sound continued, and I realized that there was no mistaking it for the wind, I gathered up my courage, sprang from my bed, and rushed into the other bedroom in search of reinforcements and moral support.

"What do you want?" Todd moaned from beneath the covers.

"There's a diabolical scraping noise outside my window. I'm pretty sure it's a monster. Probably Big Foot."

"Okay, I'll come have a look." Todd was always calm under pressure.

I followed him back to my room, still trembling with fright. We neared the window and could hear the sound of Big Foot just beyond. Todd reached for the curtain, and I turned away, unable to face the dreadful truth.

"Ah, it's a cow," Todd said. "Two of 'em. Must have forgotten to put the lock in the gate latch."

A cow! Not Big Foot, but almost! I hated cows!

"I'll get Dad," Todd said and left the room, leaving me alone once again with two cows outside my bedroom window. I followed him to Mom and Dad's room.

Somehow, in the wee hours of the night that followed, Dad managed to corral the two bovine delinqents, saving, if not the entire family unit, me from certain death. My dad was known to wrestle with snakes with his bare hands and tarantulas with a piece of baling wire, so a pair of cows were right up his alley. I am not surprised Big Foot avoided the place.

That was the 1970's, and while reports of Big Foot continue to circulate, many claim that they are mere legend and cite the lack of scientific evidence. Possible. Just possible. Cows however; different story. If you still doubt, I would recomend you drive through rural Oklahoma or Wisconsin and keep a sharp lookout. They are everywhere. Red ones, white ones, black ones (the most sinister of them all), light reddish-brown ones, and Pink Floyd cows (known in some circles as Holsteins). All of them scary. Nasty beasts. I would also direct the skeptic to Braum's Ice Cream and Dairy stores which claim to grow them for their byproducts.

1/22/12

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